I Fell In Love With Coaching Again This Week - TWICE!

Good Coaching can be used anywhere.

This week I had two different incidents where I benefited from coaching myself.

Scenario #1 - In my work at Worship Center occasionally I have to deal with difficult situations. Times when I have to deal with tricky situations where I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, but where I may need to speak some truth. I always want to do that in kindness, with care, and in hopes of offering growth. So, in this situation, I knew I wanted to talk to our Exec Pastor, Don Neff, to be sure I was moving forward in the right way.

Don is a sage leader and true to form he heard me out without interrupting or telling me what to do. As I was explaining the situation I found myself using the language I look for, and long for, as a coach. I said,

"You know what I probably ought to do?..." (I even told him I wish I had recorded what I had said so I could remember it and write some bullet points for the upcoming...

Remember those midnight feedings?

And then there were the school challenges with sports, or friends, or academics...

Then came the dating years - few of us were ready for that! 

But NOW many of us are facing parenting our adult kids - if that is even a thing. They hardly need parenting anymore, except for when they do!

When dealing with your adult children's decisions affects our well-being, we need to take notice and have a plan that will benefit us all.

Here's the thing. There's really no such thing as adult children. It's an oxymoron. Either you are an adult or a child, but all too often the perspective gets confused and we can't stop treating our adult children as actual children.

The parent feels it is their duty to guide (control) the adult child when they are making decisions they don't approve of, and the adult children feel they should be allowed to make their own choices and live with the consequences. 

It's a pickle.

What if you could ask your...

Imagine the surprise when certain specific people groups emerged and started taking our Destiny by Design course.

Originally the course was designed for college students discerning what God had next for them, but what a surprise when these other people groups started jumping in and gleaning insights as well:

• Empty nest Moms wanting to find meaning in the next season of life.
• Retirees looking for more than golf or fishing to fill their time.
• Ministers or missionaries transitioning to the marketplace.
• Businessmen or vocational workers looking to get into ministry.
• Niche seekers wanting to hone their future.
• Pastors on sabbatical.
• Young adults seeking clarity rather than just doing college because everyone else is.

Destiny by Design helped clarify the pathways for each of these types of people.

So, which category do you fall into? 

Whether you fall into one of these categories or are the original college student, the course was designed to help you identify what God has...

Ever heard of "Failure to Launch"? It's a counseling term that describes a parent/child relationship where a child remains dependent on their parent into their adult years.  

They may or may not still live at home, but they depend on their parents for emotional support or financial aid, or they expect their parents to validate their situation. They believe they can't be expected to move forward because of their extenuating circumstances.

Now, don't get me wrong, of course there are actually extenuating circumstances at times, but for the most part, there is something amiss in the expectations. Let me explain.

When someone feels the need to help someone else out by taking care of things for them when they are actually capable of caring for themselves, that is actually mean. It's infantizing. The result is that the person being "helped" doesn't grow up. Doesn't learn to do things for themselves. To adult.

It seems obvious when you look at it in certain ways:

- We would...

Four stories of destiny development from our Destiny by Design alumni.

Story 1 is about a pastor who took the course after being "released" to pursue his faith elsewhere from a church that no longer wanted him there in ministry. It had come to light that the minister in question had differing beliefs about God moving personally in people's lives.

He actually used his Destiny by Design portfolio project as part of his interview process before moving to serve at a new church that welcomed and valued his views on God's personal connection.

Story 2 is from a woman who thought her passion was to become a speaker on a circuit. When she realized the motivation under the desire was to bring refreshing to people, her dream shifted to a goal of launching a non-profit that would serve ministers and front-line givers, like health care professionals or first responders, by providing respite places. It's a big vision that will be her ultimate contribution.

Story 3 has a main character...

We all have them. 

Limiting beliefs that nay-say to us whenever we want to move forward. 

They mock us with things like:

• "You could never do that. It's too big for you to consider."
• "You don't have what you need to even get started."
• "You are not enough to even contribute toward that..."
• "You don't even know what you are doing."

If we listen to these voices our potential future, our intended contribution to the kingdom of God can be thwarted before it even gets started.

Identifying what these limiting beliefs (lies) are and then learning how to diminish or eliminate them is the difference between having a dream and actually seeing a dream become a reality.

Limiting beliefs are lies that cloud our vision of ourselves, our circumstances, and how God wants to mee us right where we are at!

"Good" lies are like good poison. They seem good. They taste "right", but in the end, they can kill you.

Let me explain. 

You may actually not have what you need to get started, but...

Or maybe the question, "What keeps you up at night?"

"What raises your blood pressure?"

or "What makes you emotional?" - angry, or excited, or sad.

Learning to define your passion areas is just one of the markers in your divine design, your internal DNA.

Maybe you have a people group you really care about, or maybe it's a cause that needs investment. It could be that you are the type of person that wants to partner with another and be the hero that helps them get to their goal - your passion is helping! 

In the Destiny by Design course one of the projects is to look at your passion verbs, your own personal core desires. This was very insightful for me personally as I realized more about where I should be investing my time and energy.

You'll learn to write your own Life Purpose Statement and how to make decisions based on whether the available option is the best choice for you, and honestly whether you are a good fit for the option.

Getting traction to move toward whatever God...

Let's take a quick look at the biblical definition of love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says,

     Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love takes no pleasure in evil but rejoices over the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures.

Benevolent Detachment is patient - it doesn't rush the other person to make a decision or take an action step.

Benevolent Detachment actually IS kind. We talked about that last time.

Benevolent Detachment is not jealous. It doesn't look at where others are at and wish for what they have, it is being consciously grateful for what we do have.

Benevolent Detachment does not brag and is not proud. It doesn't show off or compare, "If you want to know what I think..."

Benevolent Detachment is not rude, it doesn't butt in...

The definition of benevolent includes words like kind and well-meaning. They sound like Jesus words to me, but how can "benevolent" be paired with "detachment" and still be kind and well-meaning?

Think of it this way. 

Someone calls our church with a need for rent money. We have a certain protocol we walk through before helping out and one of the questions we need answered is whether or not we have helped in the past. Imagine if someone could just call every month and we just paid their rent for them. Would that be good for them? 

Instead, we offer financial coaching. We want to help people have gainful employment, manage their finances, and set them up for a more secure future. 

We want to help them learn to fish instead of just giving them a fish.

We are playing the long game. 

It's easier, and in truth feels more rewarding, to just give the fish, pay the rent, meet the need, make the decision, give the guidance, soothe the pain...

It's better, and in...

Ever just want to shake someone? I have. 

Okay, maybe not physically, but I have wanted so badly to help someone SEE something. It's mind-boggling to me how tolerant people can be of difficult circumstances they could actually do something about!

If I'm honest I've wanted to shake myself at times as well!

You'd think the low experience would be enough for a wake-up call, but no. We keep doing the same thing over and over, and not adopting the new thing we know would be better for us. 

What was God thinking when He gave us free will? 

Apparently, this is not a new phenomenon. Paul says in Romans 7:15

     I do not understand the things I do. I do not do what I want to do, and I do the things I hate.

But then later in Romans 12:2, he says, 

     Do not be shaped by this world; instead be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will...