You already know what the Instawall is! You’ve likely been on one side or the other multiple times, but now you have a word for it.
It happens when someone says something that builds an instant wall between two people where no matter what was said it cannot be considered a valid choice. A line of respect has been breached and the listener feels small, invalidated or infantized.
Most often the Instawall happens after openers like these:
“You know what I would do if I were you….”
“Okay, so here’s what you need to do…”
“Did you want to (insert what the speakers want them to do) ….?” (this is the soft sell version)
“Listen to me now! …”
Each of these lines assumes the speaker knows best what should happen next for another person.
The kicker is that the speaker may be right! But if the statement is made in a way that makes the other person feel like they are being bossed, or belittled or just flat...
Ahhh…. That glorious “Aha moment”!
This is the actual moment in time when someone sees something differently for the first time. It could be that they:
The Aha Moment is a hope and joy for every coaching leader, and truly for every person being coached!
The Aha Moment brings clarity, hope and vision that were not there before it happened.
The Aha Moment is the first step in getting unstuck.
The best thing we can do as coaches is to provide a safe place for processing. This opens the door of opportunity for two things to happen.
1) The person being coached gets the floor.
Simply allowing someone “air time” to verbalize what they are going through can produce an Aha Moment. I can think of a number of times I was going through something, took it to a friend or leader and as I talked out what...
Tucked away perfectly in the tiny acorn is the potential for a mighty oak tree!
The only way that’s not going to happen is if the dear acorn is not nurtured. It needs little to flourish but the recipe is clear. There needs to be healthy soil, adequate moisture, available sunshine and a good location (climate wise).
Humans are like that too. We need nurturing to grow into all we could become.
We need healthy soil. It’s like a having a healthy soul where the weeds (lies) are not taking all the nutrients for themselves.
We need adequate moisture. The River of Life is available to us all. It is an underground spring where God can bring freshness and life to our inner man.
We need available sunshine. When God shines on our nexts everything changes. Our part is in the waiting. Some times it’s not sunny when we want it to be and it’s in the waiting that our roots grow deep. His timing is always perfect.
We need a good location. The right community and culture...
I’m not really sure if this guy is a hermit or not. In fact when I looked for a photo to use I had to search on the word “Lonely” instead of hermit. (I only got crabs when I searched using “hermit”.)
Next I thought I would make a list of stereo typical things people think about hermits but the only universal one I could come up with is they don’t interact with other people much or at all.
So what’s that got to do with coach training?
Let me back up a bit and give you a few reasons people take coach training.
When marketing people ask me “Who would benefit from...
Sometimes I just want someone to TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!
Other times I’m on the receiving end of this statement.
Either way it’s a painful moment…
When someone is at that place they feel things like frustration, disconnection, hurt, despair and maybe most of all confusion. Somewhere inside us all we just want to do it right and to know exactly what that means.
If someone will just make “it” clear then we can do “it”. Then one of two things will happen- we will get the results we wanted or we won’t. If the later happens we can then blame the process and likely the person who gave it to us in the first place. If we do get the results we want we can keep going to that person to tell us what to do.
The New Covenant isn’t like this. In the New Covenant the plan is for us to go to God for ourselves and learn to hear from Him. In some ways I like the Old Covenant better where I could just pay someone to go to God and tell me what to do....
Leadership can be tough on a person. It’s hard to help your people along when they won’t listen, so here’s some tips to help. (And just in case you aren’t catching the sarcasm this is all tongue in cheek.)
Whether you are a pastor or parent, teacher, mentor or friend please keep in mind that you are adept in Bible reading and have had more experience praying. You’ve been a believer longer than the people you want to help, so it would be better if you just heard from God FOR them. Tell them what you think God is saying and then they will be less likely to mess up. And they will continue coming to you and you can tell them what you think God is saying.
This will save them the time and bother of learning to hear from God for themselves. Plus it keeps your finger on the pulse of where things are going so you can direct things the way you see fit.
You are the leader so lead. You decide what...
We probably all have at least one. You know, that person that drives you crazy. You just know when you see them next that the conversation will probably go south.
In fact you could probably predict the dialogue. You are going to say something, and then they are going to say their thing. You reply, they counter, etc. (In fact, you could probably change sides and say each others lines just to spice things ups sometime!)
There’s two healthy ways you can work on a conversation/relationship like that. I call them the Pre-think and Re-think.
This pathway pre-empts the tricky conversation by (you guessed it) thinking ahead about what is going to happen. If you can pre-think what they are going to say you can change something in the way you move and disrupt the familiar dance.
The idiom “It takes two to tango” has quite a bit of merit to it.
Gary Smalley calls it “the fear dance” in his insightful book The DNA of Relationships.
Are you looking for ways to shut someone down while they are sharing?!
Probably not, but it’s almost too easy to do without knowing.
Check out these tongue-in-check conversation killers to see if you are guilty of stifling a quality conversation.
1) One up their story – Your story is probably better or worse than theirs and likely a lot more interesting. So, see if you can get them to stop sharing by telling your similar story with more color or finesse. See if you can get them to feel guilty since your have gone through something far more difficult or silly for celebrating since your deal was grander!
2) Interrupt – Cut to the chase by finishing their sentences for them. This will save time and keep them from having to find words that truly express what they are thinking or feeling.
3) Jump to conclusions – You probably know what’s going on in their life better than they do, so go ahead and decide in advance of hearing them out. This will help them...
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