Two Natural Responses that are NOT Coachy
Coaching is defined as a set of conversational tools (and even conversational rules - or best practices) that can be used to aid someone as they discern their next steps.
In faith-based coaching, that means believing the Holy Spirit IS guiding the other person, and our job is to create a safe space for them to focus on one area and talk it out.
In our initial training, Life Coach Certification, we build on the foundational pillars of Active Listening and Asking Powerful Questions. That's one of the reasons our tagline at Bridges is: making disciples, not dependents. We don't want to tell people what to do; rather, we want to help them feel confident about pursuing the next step in their personal faith journey.
We encourage these trainees to practice their coaching skills by doing 3 things.
1- Guiding their coachee to choose a singular focus.
2- Talking less than 20% of the time in a coaching session.
3- Completing the session with an agreed-upon action step - even if that step is to research possible action steps.
It's much more nuanced than it seems.
When we coach, we tend to weigh in with our thoughts. We want to share our stories and experiences, and, if we are honest, we probably want to tell people what we think they should do. We may feel responsible for resolving their situation and decide for them what to do next.
Providing a safe place for another person to process where they are, where they want to move toward, and what their next step will be is what coaching is all about.
It's not natural for most people, though.
As humans, I see two more natural responses. One is to take over, and the other is to avoid.
We all probably do both from time to time. We think we know what is best for someone, so we "cut to the chase" and tell them what we would do if we were in their situation. We may even be right, but we have not honored the person's journey. Instead, we have taught them to come to us, or someone nearly as brilliant or experienced, to tell them what to do. We can easily create situations where people become dependent on us rather than helping them grow as disciples.
What if we asked empowering questions instead?
What if we helped people grow in confidence by encouraging choice and then processing the outcome together?
The other side can be just as common. We see someone unsure about something, looking for guidance or resolution, overwhelmed, or paralyzed, and we prefer to walk away. We avoid the conversation. We don't want anything to do with messy, unclear, or longstanding issues, so we avoid involvement.
What if we could get involved without feeling the weight of the situation?
What if we could actively listen so we could come alongside the person as a thinking partner and walk with them at their own pace?
Next time you are in a conversation, I challenge you to monitor the extremes of taking over and avoiding and instead incorporate the selfless skills of active listening and asking empowering questions.
If you'd like more info on how to do that, we'd love to help.