How To Redirect "Rehashing" For Yourself And Others
Rehashing is actually a thing. The definition of rehash is "to discuss again without significant change".
We do it all the time. We talk about how something is really hard and we can't really do anything about it. We justify being stuck and excuse ourselves from finding a way to move forward.
It feels legit when we do it, but it can feel annoying when someone else does it.
You know. you have this friend, client, co-worker, or family member, and they just keep circling around the same topic. The conversation is almost verbatim. You ask how things are going, and they tell you the same thing they said last time.
"What's new?", you say.
"Not much," they reply. And they tell you about their situation again...
If I'm honest though, I do the same thing! I get in a rut in my thinking and feel like I have explored all the angles and there is just no way out.
It's sad really. There is no hope when our perspective is like that.
It feels like the situation is truly insurmountable and there is actually no way forward. We want to be affirmed that we are officially stuck and there are no possibilities. We want someone to declare that we are a victim of completely unfortunate and very sad circumstances. We hope someone will acknowledge our plight and let us off the hook, so to speak, of owning our mindset.
It can happen when there is a relational conflict. You want things one way, but the other person has a different idea. If you "give in" and advocate for your plan it feels like you are not respecting yourself or being honest with the other person. But you fear if you share how you are feeling you could be hurtful and appear controlling or unkind. Is there a way to relate well in kindness?
It can happen when there is a planning conundrum. You think it is time to move forward and they are hesitant. Or you think things should go a certain way and they don't see it working out that way. So you share your thoughts and they share theirs and you do it over and over. Is there a way to move forward in confidence?
It can happen when there are unfortunate circumstances. Sometimes stuff just happens. And whether it happened by lack of planning or just by chance it is something that simply has to be faced. It could be a financial situation or a health concern. It could be a transition at work or a move to a new location. Whatever it is, it is costly, difficult, and needs to be navigated. Is there a way to have a perspective shift even in difficult situations?
Try these 3 steps on yourself or with others.
Step 1 - Acknowledge the pain. Feel the difficulty.
Usually, this goes one of two ways - downplaying or avoiding.
Downplaying is when we minimize the hurt and wonder why someone feels so bad about something that we don't think is that big of a thing. For instance, someone may be having a difficult time with something we have dealt with, or don't struggle with, and we want them to just get over it and stop dwelling on it.
Avoiding is the exact opposite. We know of someone who is dealing with something so overwhelming that we don't know how to even go near it. We truly care, but it seems out of our league to bring it up.
(BTW - we can both downplay and avoid our own pain and emotions as well.)
Healthy care for others, or ourselves, starts with identifying the emotions we are feeling. It doesn't mean we are stuck there or that we are encouraging others to remain in their pain, we are simply naming what is going on.
Validating the struggle engages the journey in the first step of release.
Step 2. Envision the win. Visualize the resolution.
What would it look like if this situation were resolved? The longer you have dealt with something the more it can feel almost impossible that it will ever not be the norm.
Whether it is you yourself who needs to envision being past this season, or if you are having a conversation with someone else, seeing a preferred future puts hope in your heart. It redirects your thoughts from the here and now to a place that could happen.
Scripture tells us "without vision, people perish" or some versions say "languish". Think of it this way, if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, there is energy for a next step. Seeing what could be helps you choose to build a bridge toward that end goal.
Questions like these can help:
"What would life be like if this were resolved?"
"What would it give you if you didn't have to focus on this?"
"How could your life be different if this were behind you?"
For some issues, the resolution may look different than what one would think. Sometimes the resolution is not a removal of the circumstance, finding a way to complete the project, or getting the other person to see things your way, sometimes it is adopting a new perspective in the middle of where you are.
"What if you could see things differently? Could that change things?"
Step 3. Encourage a step. Help build a new neuropathway.
You know that old adage, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." A colleague rephrased it recently, "No change, no change."
To move forward there needs to be a step.
Helping someone see they are stuck can be tricky. Same with acknowledging you yourself have given in to it.
Here are some steps that could be taken, maybe it is time to:
- Talk to a counselor or join a support group.
- Brainstorm how to take a baby step to start that project,
- Begin researching that potential transition.
- Truly forgive that person who really doesn't deserve it. (Isn't that what forgiveness is all about?)
- Choose a decide-by date.
- Identify the lie you are meditating on and ask God to reveal the truth He has for you.
- Do a Soul Care Retreat.
- Move forward with a Life On Purpose pathway.
- Plan a crucial conversation. (I'm personally also a fan of Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott.)
- Hire a coach.
You don't need to stay stuck. And you can help others get unstuck.
Coaching is all about building bridges to what could be!
Let's build bridges together!