3 Reasons "Why" Isn't Really A Good Question - especially in trauma
"What" or "How" are the preferred coaching questions but why?
Here are X reasons why "Why?" is normally a not a best practice Q.
1) "Why" leans more toward the past.
It can be healthy to look at what happened that made preceded the incident but it's hard to move forward while looking backward. Instead, shift the question to the future and use a growth mindset by asking,"How would you do that differently if you did it again?"
2) "Why" usually comes across as judgy.
"Why do you think that happened?" can sound disciplinary, like you are trying to backdoor an "Aha" moment. If you need to raise awareness about negligence, that is a different conversation that should probably start out with "Are you open to some feedback?"
There's another common "Why" question that is quite judgy and is more personal than behavioral. It sounds like, "Why did you do that?" it comes across as questioning a person's character, education, or upbringing. Instead, maybe "What led to that?" can be more insightful and could actually help someone grow.
3) "Why" is often a dead end.
"Why did that happen to me/them?" is often our first response to trauma. It's a natural human reaction. In some ways it is looking for the cause - did someone do something wrong?
It's also a question we ask God. We don't usually get an answer to that one. In my weaker, most human moments, I want to know why God didn't intervene. If He is all-powerful, why didn't He do something? Does He not really care enough about me, or them, to step in?
I hate even writing that - but it's how we feel sometimes.
It's okay. God wants us to be honest. But staying in the "Why?" stage as we deal with the stuff of life usually puts us in a victim mentality and keeps us distant from God at a time when we really need him.
Our world isn't the one God designed for us. It's the one we live in because of sin.
Choosing a "What" or "How" question and helping others pivot to those questions can be a true game changer.
Try some of these instead of "Why" in trauma situations:
- What do you have for me in this?
- How do you want to meet me here?
You can even work in some other questions.
- Where are you showing yourself to me in new ways?
- Who are you helping me to become?
(Be careful not to urge someone who has just experienced lose to pivot too soon. When trauma first happens we all likely need some time to react before we can choose to respond.)
Questions can help people grow. Questions can make people feel ashamed or alone or judged.
You can learn to ask better questions. We can help!